Tim vs The Meatball

Tim Vs The Meatball

Sorry.  I know it has been awhile but I have been quite busy.  School is kicking my butt and I am just about done.  I hope to write more and I hope you will join me. I have lots of material to catch you up on. Since our last meeting I have been to foreign countries and am preparing to travel to Europe where I will surely puke on many a beautiful shoe. (sorry Lis.) First up, the meatball.

I know this shouldn’t be so complicated but I was almost 31 before I liked meatballs. Even I cannot explain this one.

Beautiful and Understanding Wife Lisa: You like sauce and pasta right?

Tim: Yep

Beautiful and Understanding Wife Lisa: You like hamburgers right?

Tim: Yep

Beautiful and Understanding Wife Lisa: Then you should love meatballs.

Tim: You love meatballs! (Said as an insult. I had nothing.)

The hardest part about this challenge was the fact that I knew I should love meatballs. People ask me all the time what the root of my phobia is. They ask if it is flavor, spice, taste, texture. Honestly, it could be any of them. I think, in the case of meatballs, it was always texture. I always kinda pictured (in my mind) meatballs as grainy. I don’t know why but my mind goes right to sand. I know I am messed up. You do not have to remind me. Also, it is just me our are there too many foods that go in our mouth with the word ball in them? (gumball, meatball, cheeseball, matzo ball, meatball bomber) Why perpetuate it? So the one night I come home from work and Lisa is cooking in the kitchen.

Tim: What’s cooking babe?

Lisa:  We’re having spaghetti and meatballs tonight.

Tim: It’s pronounced “you’re…”

Lisa: No we’re both going to eat it.

Tim: Do you know where I left the shovel, and a survey of the backyard? I need to dig a body sized hole, but I need to check where the gas lines are first.

Lisa: (not amused)

Tim: Ummm, I love you?

So I prepared to try meatballs. Lisa is an extremely healthy person and her meatballs were made from scratch with ground chicken.  She also made the sauce herself. The sauce I knew I would love so I was praying that it would make up so the monstrosity that was about to occur. I cut off a small piece of ball, doused it in sauce and spaghetti and consumed.

Tim Enjoys!

I don’t know what it was. I have HATED meatballs! Every memory of trying to was met with disgust and revulsion.  I did not expect this at all. Chicken meatballs are my friend! In the three months since I tried meatballs I think I have eaten them two nights a week.  It tasted just like chicken parm, but since Lisa made it with her health nut magic, it’s not bad for me! I don’t know if I can quite explain how much I love these meatballs. I would marry them if they could cook and smooch. Lisa has to remind me at every birthday that not everyone would enjoy getting meatballs for a gift. I don’t see why, but hey more for me! I should just trust Lisa. Uh oh. A lesson.



Date Night III – Torches

Ah the life of a blogger. I took three weeks off of work and no one noticed/cared. Now that the holidays are over I can get back to the more important things in life, blogging about gross food that my beautiful, caring and sadistic wife makes me eat. As most of my blogs start, I should explain myself a bit. I do not like food.  Well, I do like food, just not food with any surprises in it. You should know if you read this and are trying to make an intelligent decision on whether or not to eat where I have eaten, trust me when I say, I am not normal and I do not represent you or your tastes. I have yet to eat at a place that my wife did not love and she represents what you would refer to as “normal.”

After a recent trip to the casino, I found myself in a position of new wealth and thought it would be best spent pampering my gorgeous wife. I feel like my first mistake was telling her I won any money. My second mistake was suggesting to her that she put on her fancy pants and pick anywhere she would like to eat that night. Fancy eateries that are in my wheelhouse: Bob Evans, Applebees or even Outback. These I can handle. I know what to order and nothing there would ever make me cry… I mean upset my tum tum… I mean MAN LIKE FOOD, EAT MEAT AND POTATO. So of course my wife does not make it easy on me:

Beautiful and Understanding Wife Lisa: I can pick anywhere I want?

Tim: Sure babe! (scrolling through IMGUR, not really listening)

Beautiful and Understanding wife Lisa:  Ooooh I want to go to Torches. I’ve heard amazing things.

Tim:  … Whats a “torches?”

Beautiful and Understanding Wife Lisa: Oh you’ll like it. Here, I’ll pull up the menu so you can find someth… oh

Tim: What Oh? What does “Oh”mean????

Lisa: Um nothing. I’ll go make a reservation while you check that out.

Tim: (looks at menu) Awesome. Words I don’t understand describing foods I’ve never heard of.

I was a bit scared going to Torches to say the least, but I opened my big dumb mouth and now I was up for a new challenge. To start our meal, they brought us some bread with green goo. Lisa loved it. I couldn’t get past the look of it, from which I inferred it must be dangerous and just attempted to avoid eye contact. Upon seeing this, Lisa forced me to try to it and I must say I was surprised. No, I wasn’t surprised. Fearing the worst, I didn’t like it at all.


For an appetizer, I normally can get away with ordering a caesar salad. Torches offers a caesar salad, but it is covered in things that are not in my comfort zone. I couldn’t decide what to do and I didn’t want to look like a creeper weirdo sitting there while my wife ate her appetizer, so I ordered the lasagna cupcake. I am not a fan of lasagna, but I had to do something. It arrived and I tasted.


Tim Enjoys! If Jesus liked cupcakes, this is all he would eat. It was a dough cup, filled with ricotta cheese, a pepperoni base, covered in baked mozzarella and a sweet red sauce topped with a meat ball. It was the most delicious thing I have ever tasted. It should have been called a Pizza Cupcake. I seriously considered divorcing my wife and then marrying the cupcake. Awesome, awesome, awesome. Score one for Torches

For a main course, I tried to stay in my comfort zone. Usually, when I wear fancy pants, I can get a steak of some kind. Torches does offer steaks, but again with a flare of a bunch of things of which I am afraid. I went with the Tim Hortons Coffee crusted steak. It came with a fried mashed potato ball. I do not like coffee one bit, so I was quite concerned that steak might pull a “pizza” and stab me in the back (see date night part II blog for the betrayal of pizza.) Wrong again, Tim. I thought the cupcake was amazing and frankly, the steak blew it away.  I have never been so afraid of a meal before and came away so thoroughly sated.

Now I know what you are thinking. You’re thinking, “Tim, none of these things sound all the challenging.” While this is not the first time I have enjoyed everything I have ordered in a restaurant, it is rare to come away from a meal so happy when I tried so many new things. Well, let me tell you about what Lisa ordered and forced me to try. Lisa ordered a pumpkin gnocchi in a maple sauce. I do not like pumpkin. I was tricked into liking mushroom gnocchi once before and all things maple belong at the breakfast table.

Lisa: You have to try this Tim.  It is amazing.

Tim: No, I don’t.

Lisa: Food Virgin challenge!

Tim: Life is a food virgin challenge! Haven’t I suffered enough tonight?!

Lisa: You loved everything you ate tonight. Suck it up, weirdo, and try it.

Tim: … (grumble)

Lisa: Eat it. It is like a pumpkin had sex with a pancake.

So I ate it. Oh Torches, I shouldn’t have doubted thee. Pumpkin gnocchi is amazing. I forgot to take a picture so I had my team of scientists create a reenactment of when Pumpkin and Pancake met….

pumpkin sex

Chicken Tortilla Soup

This is going to be a multi purpose post today. I am eating Chicken Tortilla Soup while participating in a twitter chat called #Foodie Chat.

Here is what was in the Soup:









White corn

Red Beans

The soup was absolutely delicious. I added some shredded cheddar and some crumbled 9 grain tortilla chips. I thought it would be a neat idea to blog about my twitter chat experience. Ill be updating as interesting things happen and then post the final results. Also I started this blog with 15 twitter followers, lets see if that improves.

  • So far everyone is tweeting where they are from and what they are eating. The moderator is going to ask a new questions every 10 minutes
  • First Question: What different kinds of cereals would you MASHUP in your bowl?  I do love Cheerios, is it wrong to not want to mix them with anything else?
  • This is my favorite answer for the first question: AngelaWoody Baileys Flavored milk and Cinnamon Toast Crunch
  • Someone also suggested espresso and coco puffs, not a bad idea
  • Second comment: you can put cold pizza and chicken wings in a bowl and count it as cereal right?
  • Ooh i got retweeted: AngelaWoody Love! RT @foodvirgindiary: you can put cold pizza and chicken wings in a bowl and count it as cereal right?
  • Question 2: MASHUP for us your favorite fruit and vegetable drink! I do enjoy a good chocolate strawberry spinach smoothy
  • Favorite Answer: @kkdietitian: A2 does Sangria or a pomegranate mojito count? 😉
  • Question three: MASHUP for us your ultimate sandwich! I feel like it has to have french fries on it or at least doritos
  • This one made my heart hurt: @steveGOgreen Q3, PB&J, glazed donut w/ a 8oz burger, American cheese and lots of candied bacon. #foodiechats

Time for one more question! Oooh up to 18 followers!

Well there you have it! Twitter chat excitement. I was actually pretty cool and i think i have my next food challenge! YUM!

oh and im now at 19 followers, WOOT! WOOT!


This year I have a lot to be thankful for. I have an amazing wife, a wonderful family, and the best friends a guy could ask for. This year we attended Friendsgiving and it was amazing! Every comfort food imaginable was available in spades. I wanted to share a conversation I had at Friendsgiving. It is an extremely common line of questioning I receive.

Tim: Is the frosting on the red velvet cupcakes regular frosting or cream cheese?

Host: It’s cream cheese

Tim: Oh okay, thanks.

Guest: Do you not like cream cheese?

Tim: No.

Guest: It tastes just like regular frosting.

Tim: Thanks, but I cannot eat it.

Guest: Are you lactose intolerant?

Tim: No.

Guest: Are you just super health conscious?

Tim: Ha! no.

Guest: Can you not eat dairy for some intrinsic purpose like religion or something?

Tim: No.

Guest: I’m confused.

Tim: I just don’t like it.

Guest: Have you ever tried it?

Tim: No.

Guest: How do you know you don’t like it?

Tim: The same way I know I don’t like monkey brains or Twilight. I just know.

Guest: That’s pretty weird.

Tim: You asked.

Guest: Is that your only hangup?

Tim: Ha, no.

Guest: So I take it you won’t try this cream cheese cranberry dip, right?

Tim: I have a whole other issue with cranberries, but no I would not eat it.

Guest: What’s wrong with cranberries?!?

‘Tim: I’m pretty sure they were planted by Satan.

Guest: I’m going to go over here now. (Guest walks away)

Tim: You asked.

Overall, Friendsgiving was amazing. Lots of food, drink and football. No better way to spend a Sunday. Oh, and now I have documented proof about evil cranberries thanks to my scientists.

satan cranberry seed


Sorry, Food Virgin fans I have been an absentee blogger lately. Time to catch up.  Last week, we celebrated Thanksgiving and my beautiful, understand and vindictive wife Lisa decided, what better way to ruin my Thanksgiving than to make me try every food on the table. I know what you are thinking, Thanksgiving foods are delicious and not scary at all. What could be the problem? The problem is this. We were invited to eat dinner at my Aunt’s house, which is awesome. I love seeing them and my cousins. The only issue is that one of my cousins has some serious food allergies, so some of the traditional items are replaced with similar facsimiles. I imagined this to be to worse that it turned out to be.

Organic Turkey: This turned out to be just turkey. No issues presented themselves.

Cranberry Sauce: I normally do not eat this. My review is not indicative of any of my Aunts cooking skills, but cranberry sauce is gross. I do not understand the appeal. Yes, it was real cranberry sauce, not the can of purple jello. I do not like cranberry juice either, so this is no surprise.

Stuffing with Apples. Stuffing is great, so adding apples didn’t change that for me. I think it has a lot to do with how awesome stuffing is. It would take a lot to bring down stuffing. I think the only person who could ruin stuffing is Michael Bay. He ruins everything.

Roasted Japanese Yams: I was definitely nervous on this one. Surprise, I love potatoes. To a lesser extent, I tolerate sweet potatoes. I was told that Japanese Yams are in between the two. They were correct!. Japanese Yams were actually really good! They were just quartered and roasted. They were quite delicious!

Mashed Potatoes: This item needs no entry. It is the Super Bowl of foods. Even when its bad, it is good. Even Michael Bay could not ruin mashed potatoes…

Mixed Green Salad with sunflower seeds and cranberries: Eh, this just tasted like the lite Italian dressing with which I smothered it.

Cranberry Apple Pie: Now this might surprise a lot of people but not all desserts are not created equal to me.  I like apples, but I do not like apple pie. You already know that I think cranberries were planted by Satan himself. Maybe the combination of the two would make some type of magical food nirvana where the tastes sat in perfect balance. Nope, not even close. Everyone else loved the pie, but I am the only downer.

Pumpkin Pie: Wasn’t bad. I could take it or leave it.

So overall. I think Thanksgiving went well.  I’m about to go find Japanese Yams and pray Michael Bay doesn’t try to ruin potatoes.


Ugh I hate my dog sometimes

Many people have asked me why I am a picky eater.  I think a lot of it has to do with anxiety and how it affects every day issues. I do feel bad that my eating affects other people, but it is really curious to me that my picky eating and anxiety towards such things has worn off on my dog.  He is often a direct reflection of me and my weird tendencies and I thought I would share a story of how this is true. It has nothing to do with food. Its is  just a funny anecdote that I am sure a lot of dog owners can relate to.

So I came home from work today early to have a new garage door installed. While waiting for the garage door guys I was watching TV. I recently built a TV cabinet and hid all the wires in the wall


I try to turn on the blu ray player and it doesn’t work. I begin to get upset because the work it will take to UN-bury the cord is immense and a huge pain in the ass. As I begin to get upset, my dog, Link, gets upset. He is a very loyal dog and has a tendency to react to my emotions. Link is also incredibly smart so it bugs me that he gets upset instead of helping me think of a solution. You may laugh, but he is a very good problem solver. This is him solving the cup test. If you don’t know, the cup test is a test to determine is your dog is smart or dumb. Show the dog a treat and place it under a cup. If the dog finds the treat in under a minute, the dog is considered smart.

So I get upset and then Link gets upset. When Link gets upset he begins to puke. Link is a lot like me and will puke any time he eats something he does not like. I don’t know if I get it from him or he gets it from me. He literally puked around the entire perimeter of the kitchen before I could get him outside. Of course, as soon as I let him outside, the garage door people show up. Link, being already worked up from puking, goes crazy with barking and gets so excited he poops on the deck. Not really that big of a deal unless of course he steps in the poop. And he did. Twice. I hadn’t even finished cleaning the puke and now I have to clean poo out of his paws. I let him in. And tell him to get in the tub. Link knows what the tub is and where the tub is located, but instead he decides to run into the basement and track poo all over the carpet. Ugh … Just, ugh.

In a nut shell, I can understand how people get frustrated with my weird tendencies as I have to deal with them at a canine level. At least I do not sniff other dog’s butts or eat underwear.

Here is a scientific reenactment of an earlier incident when Link ate my wife’s unmentionables.


Amy’s Truck

Forgive me if this post seems like a cop out, but it was scary for me just to order off of a menu which included items such as Falafel, Kabobs and Lentil. Also, I had to try something new all by myself. I had no beautiful, goddess of a wife nearby to help me by poking me in the ribs when I make frowny faces. Today’s challenge was posed to me by my co-workers. Apparently, my friends also get a kick out of watching me attempt to eat potentially rejectable substances. Who needs enemies, right? Amy’s truck is one of the many food trucks that come to our office building every week. All day long I am dreading the arrival of this truck.  Not only do I have to eat an item off of the menu, I need to eat it in front of my co-workers. I am not a big fan of ridicule and those who know me well, know I have a tendency to inadvertently open myself up to it all of them time.  In other words, if I can avoid creating mockery inducing situations, I try to do just that. My sagacious friend, Ken, assures me that if I just order “The Margie,” I will be fine. So with blind faith in Ken, I order “Margie” and consume it.


Tim Enjoys!

“The Margie” was a delicious compilation of grilled chicken, hot sauce, tomatoes, spicy French fries and a magical garlic spread, all wrapped in a pita. I know you may be saying, “Tim, none of these items appear all that challenging.” Well, to you I say, as challenging as they may not seem, I still managed to ask Ken at least a dozen questions regarding the contents of the wrap. To say the least, I was a bit nervous. Amy’s Truck proved to be quite delicious. In the end, Ken was right. He is quite wise in the way of food trucks, or he’s a wizard. I’m not sure.

No Soup for You

Soup is awesome. Like chili, it is excellent in the fall and winter. My amazing beautiful wife made chicken gnocchi soup this week. The soup was ready and Lisa was adding the gnocchi. I noticed the gnocchi looked different.

Tim: (trying not to sound nervous) What kind if gnocchi are those?

Lisa: (answering way too quickly) Whole Wheat.

Tim: ….

Bowls of soup now completed:

Lisa: So what did you think?

Tim: It was amazing. Those gnocchi were delicious.

Lisa: They were porcini mushroom gnocchi.

Tim: … …(wanting to gloat about noticing the gnocchi looked different, but smartly checked myself) Thank you for lying to me.

Lisa: Withholding the full truth is not really lying.

Tim: We’re still talking about the gnocchi right?

Yes. The mushroom gnocchi were lip smacking good. I credit Wegmans for making such a delicious product. I am also aware this is the second mushroom laden meal I’ve enjoyed. My team of scientists had a chart prepared, but it doesn’t really apply anymore.

Under the Sea

Seafood and I do not get along. I know that a lot of people love fish. What makes fish good? I imagine anything that covers up the taste of fish. Occasionally, I have been known to eat seafood, but it is never of my own volition. Usually, I am forced/nicely asked by my beautiful, understanding and loving wife, Lisa. A few years ago, I first tried tilapia. It is pretty good actually. Honestly, it tastes like whatever flavor with which it is seasoned. This week my beautiful, darling wife made pesto crusted salmon for dinner. Now,I don’t know if you have ever smelled salmon, but I feel like if there was a scale of 1 to 10 on how fishy a fish smells, I bet salmon would be like 10 bugillion. Yea, I know bugillion isn’t a word, or a number for that matter. That’s how bad the smell is. I had to invent a number. I don’t know if I made it clear, but I was skeptical at best regarding this food challenge. However, Lisa, in her infinite wisdom, forced/convinced me to try the dish. Usually, you can put pesto on anything and it will make it good. Even so, I was scared.
Tim Enjoys!
I didn’t think it was possible either, but this thing was delicious. Maybe it’s just the pesto talking, but it was one of the best meals I have ever had. I even ate all of my broccoli. I don’t know why I didn’t just trust pesto to do its job and be amazing, but I’m a cynic. I am now converted; I am a fan of salmon. Time to go live under the sea!


A Tale of Two Cities

2013 marks my 5 year wedding anniversary and we decided to vacation in Paris and London this summer. This makes for an interesting situation for me. I do not want to spend 10 days eating bread and protein bars. I need to finally break out of this shell I am stuck in so when I travel to Europe I am not just ordering alcohol as meals. If anyone has traveled to these cities I need to know what I cannot miss before I leave each country. Bangers, beans and mash? Escargots? Pot pies? Let me hear it! I need your help.