This weekend, my wife and I joined another couple at a lovely place by the name of Gordon Biersch. I heart Gordon Biersch and their beautiful beers. Starving as I was, I ordered comfort food to be enjoyed. I ordered pulled pork sliders and garlic fries, both of which were extremely delicious. As we were dining with fans of my blog, I was encouraged to try intimidating food items, ones I would not normally touch with a ten foot pole. I am finding that the longer I write this blog and with more people actually reading my silly banter, the likelihood of me being talked into trying new foods increases exponentially. I was asked to try an appetizer ordered by the other couple, and my resolve weakened when I saw how excited my fans were to be a part of the Food Virgin journey. Here goes:
Challenge 1: Crab Artichoke Dip
I know what you are all thinking. You are thinking that this is going to be a disaster and someone’s shoes are about to get puked on. I was ready to agree with you. Everything about this combination spells horror to me. On one hand you have artichokes. I do not even know what these are, but they sound like a vegetable and IT HAS THE WORD “CHOKE” in the name!!!! How is this not a giant red flag to everyone???? Secondly, this particular dish was made with sea creatures. As a general rule, I do not eat sea creatures; they swim in their own poo. I remain surprised that everyone does not have the same rule. Surrounded by peer/wife pressure, I tried to poo choke dip.
I did not see this coming. I assure you. I guess Sebastian and the other sea creatures and I might be shaking hands (or claws) again in the future. We’ll see…
Challenge Two: Mustard
I know condiments are probably second nature to most of you, but I do not eat them at all. Ketchup is essentially watered down tomato sugar paste and mayonnaise is whipped eggs and oil. Mayo is just liquefied cholesterol that you pump into your body. In my youth, I used to own a franchise restaurant and watching the land monsters inundate their otherwise healthy sandwiches in empty calories has turned me off to any and all condiments. I’m sure that most of you are normal and know how to enjoy things in moderation, but I don’t exactly have a lot of “grey” when it comes to my black and white viewpoint of food. My beautiful, understanding wife Lisa insisted I try a piece of soft pretzel, a normally Tim-friendly snack, with mustard.
Beautiful Understanding Wife Lisa: You have to try this. You haven’t done condiments yet.
Tim: I have to breathe. However, I’m pretty sure I do not need to try that devil paste.
Beautiful Understanding Wife Lisa: I won’t be around this weekend to force you to go outside your comfort zone, so you need to venture out with what we have.
Tim: Oh that’s right you’re going to New York City to go shopping and drink wine and appreciate art. Thank you for letting me stay home by the way. I sure dodged a bullet with that one.
Beautiful Understanding Wife Lisa: (death stare)
Tim: Okay, I’ll try the mustard….
Oh boy. Mustard is not for me. Gross Gross Gross Gross Gross! I tried two kinds: honey mustard and dijon mustard and they both tasted like paint thinner. Awful. Lisa laughed. I don’t always hate trying new things, but for now, condiments and I will remain enemies.