Ugh I hate my dog sometimes

Many people have asked me why I am a picky eater.  I think a lot of it has to do with anxiety and how it affects every day issues. I do feel bad that my eating affects other people, but it is really curious to me that my picky eating and anxiety towards such things has worn off on my dog.  He is often a direct reflection of me and my weird tendencies and I thought I would share a story of how this is true. It has nothing to do with food. Its is  just a funny anecdote that I am sure a lot of dog owners can relate to.

So I came home from work today early to have a new garage door installed. While waiting for the garage door guys I was watching TV. I recently built a TV cabinet and hid all the wires in the wall

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I try to turn on the blu ray player and it doesn’t work. I begin to get upset because the work it will take to UN-bury the cord is immense and a huge pain in the ass. As I begin to get upset, my dog, Link, gets upset. He is a very loyal dog and has a tendency to react to my emotions. Link is also incredibly smart so it bugs me that he gets upset instead of helping me think of a solution. You may laugh, but he is a very good problem solver. This is him solving the cup test. If you don’t know, the cup test is a test to determine is your dog is smart or dumb. Show the dog a treat and place it under a cup. If the dog finds the treat in under a minute, the dog is considered smart.

So I get upset and then Link gets upset. When Link gets upset he begins to puke. Link is a lot like me and will puke any time he eats something he does not like. I don’t know if I get it from him or he gets it from me. He literally puked around the entire perimeter of the kitchen before I could get him outside. Of course, as soon as I let him outside, the garage door people show up. Link, being already worked up from puking, goes crazy with barking and gets so excited he poops on the deck. Not really that big of a deal unless of course he steps in the poop. And he did. Twice. I hadn’t even finished cleaning the puke and now I have to clean poo out of his paws. I let him in. And tell him to get in the tub. Link knows what the tub is and where the tub is located, but instead he decides to run into the basement and track poo all over the carpet. Ugh … Just, ugh.

In a nut shell, I can understand how people get frustrated with my weird tendencies as I have to deal with them at a canine level. At least I do not sniff other dog’s butts or eat underwear.

Here is a scientific reenactment of an earlier incident when Link ate my wife’s unmentionables.

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Amy’s Truck

Forgive me if this post seems like a cop out, but it was scary for me just to order off of a menu which included items such as Falafel, Kabobs and Lentil. Also, I had to try something new all by myself. I had no beautiful, goddess of a wife nearby to help me by poking me in the ribs when I make frowny faces. Today’s challenge was posed to me by my co-workers. Apparently, my friends also get a kick out of watching me attempt to eat potentially rejectable substances. Who needs enemies, right? Amy’s truck is one of the many food trucks that come to our office building every week. All day long I am dreading the arrival of this truck.  Not only do I have to eat an item off of the menu, I need to eat it in front of my co-workers. I am not a big fan of ridicule and those who know me well, know I have a tendency to inadvertently open myself up to it all of them time.  In other words, if I can avoid creating mockery inducing situations, I try to do just that. My sagacious friend, Ken, assures me that if I just order “The Margie,” I will be fine. So with blind faith in Ken, I order “Margie” and consume it.

Results:

Tim Enjoys!

“The Margie” was a delicious compilation of grilled chicken, hot sauce, tomatoes, spicy French fries and a magical garlic spread, all wrapped in a pita. I know you may be saying, “Tim, none of these items appear all that challenging.” Well, to you I say, as challenging as they may not seem, I still managed to ask Ken at least a dozen questions regarding the contents of the wrap. To say the least, I was a bit nervous. Amy’s Truck proved to be quite delicious. In the end, Ken was right. He is quite wise in the way of food trucks, or he’s a wizard. I’m not sure.

No Soup for You

Soup is awesome. Like chili, it is excellent in the fall and winter. My amazing beautiful wife made chicken gnocchi soup this week. The soup was ready and Lisa was adding the gnocchi. I noticed the gnocchi looked different.

Tim: (trying not to sound nervous) What kind if gnocchi are those?

Lisa: (answering way too quickly) Whole Wheat.

Tim: ….

Bowls of soup now completed:

Lisa: So what did you think?

Tim: It was amazing. Those gnocchi were delicious.

Lisa: They were porcini mushroom gnocchi.

Tim: … …(wanting to gloat about noticing the gnocchi looked different, but smartly checked myself) Thank you for lying to me.

Lisa: Withholding the full truth is not really lying.

Tim: We’re still talking about the gnocchi right?

Yes. The mushroom gnocchi were lip smacking good. I credit Wegmans for making such a delicious product. I am also aware this is the second mushroom laden meal I’ve enjoyed. My team of scientists had a chart prepared, but it doesn’t really apply anymore.

Under the Sea

Seafood and I do not get along. I know that a lot of people love fish. What makes fish good? I imagine anything that covers up the taste of fish. Occasionally, I have been known to eat seafood, but it is never of my own volition. Usually, I am forced/nicely asked by my beautiful, understanding and loving wife, Lisa. A few years ago, I first tried tilapia. It is pretty good actually. Honestly, it tastes like whatever flavor with which it is seasoned. This week my beautiful, darling wife made pesto crusted salmon for dinner. Now,I don’t know if you have ever smelled salmon, but I feel like if there was a scale of 1 to 10 on how fishy a fish smells, I bet salmon would be like 10 bugillion. Yea, I know bugillion isn’t a word, or a number for that matter. That’s how bad the smell is. I had to invent a number. I don’t know if I made it clear, but I was skeptical at best regarding this food challenge. However, Lisa, in her infinite wisdom, forced/convinced me to try the dish. Usually, you can put pesto on anything and it will make it good. Even so, I was scared.
Result:
Tim Enjoys!
I didn’t think it was possible either, but this thing was delicious. Maybe it’s just the pesto talking, but it was one of the best meals I have ever had. I even ate all of my broccoli. I don’t know why I didn’t just trust pesto to do its job and be amazing, but I’m a cynic. I am now converted; I am a fan of salmon. Time to go live under the sea!

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A Tale of Two Cities

2013 marks my 5 year wedding anniversary and we decided to vacation in Paris and London this summer. This makes for an interesting situation for me. I do not want to spend 10 days eating bread and protein bars. I need to finally break out of this shell I am stuck in so when I travel to Europe I am not just ordering alcohol as meals. If anyone has traveled to these cities I need to know what I cannot miss before I leave each country. Bangers, beans and mash? Escargots? Pot pies? Let me hear it! I need your help.

-FV

Cats are Evil

I am fairly confident my wife loves me. I am also fairly certain she does not want to kill me. She is also very supportive of my cause, and attempts to help me when she can, even if it is against my will or without my knowledge. Let me back up a bit. This year for Halloween, my group of friends dressed up as villains from Batman. I was the Riddler and my beautiful and supportive wife was Catwoman. Aren’t we gorgeous?

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In the movies, Catwoman is portrayed as a sneaky character with ninja-like skills. I learned this week how much my wife is like Catwoman in real life. As I have said before, my wife is an excellent cook. The only thing holding her back is me. Lisa tries very hard to expose me to healthier options. One time she made brownies with pumpkin puree instead of oil. They tasted fine, but once I knew pumpkin was in the brownies I could/would not eat them. I am a pain in the ass and I know it. Fast forward to this week. Lisa made chili on Monday. There is literally no better food in the world on a cold rainy day. Chili is one of the few foods that I love where I cannot identify the contents. Lisa decided to put this to the test this week. She put 8 different vegetables in the chili. Her trick? Dice them extremely small so I would not be able to detect the vegetable presence. A few of the vegetables she left big to confuse me. Celery, no problem. It barely has a taste. Carrots are essentially sponges that taste like whatever dish they occupy. The only other identified vegetables were beans and I really do not have a problem with beans because they do not taste like anything. The bits and pieces I was eating, I assumed were smaller pieces of the aforementioned identifiable vegetables. I ate the entire bowl, loving every bite of it.
Later that night, Lisa chose to let me in on the secret. I found out I had consumed celery, onion, carrots, red beans, green peppers, yellow peppers, tomatoes, and mushrooms!!!! I never would have guessed it; Lisa did an excellent job of keeping me ignorant. The funny thing is, I do not think I will have any issues eating more of the chili. It was delicious.