Ah the life of a blogger. I took three weeks off of work and no one noticed/cared. Now that the holidays are over I can get back to the more important things in life, blogging about gross food that my beautiful, caring and sadistic wife makes me eat. As most of my blogs start, I should explain myself a bit. I do not like food. Well, I do like food, just not food with any surprises in it. You should know if you read this and are trying to make an intelligent decision on whether or not to eat where I have eaten, trust me when I say, I am not normal and I do not represent you or your tastes. I have yet to eat at a place that my wife did not love and she represents what you would refer to as “normal.”
After a recent trip to the casino, I found myself in a position of new wealth and thought it would be best spent pampering my gorgeous wife. I feel like my first mistake was telling her I won any money. My second mistake was suggesting to her that she put on her fancy pants and pick anywhere she would like to eat that night. Fancy eateries that are in my wheelhouse: Bob Evans, Applebees or even Outback. These I can handle. I know what to order and nothing there would ever make me cry… I mean upset my tum tum… I mean MAN LIKE FOOD, EAT MEAT AND POTATO. So of course my wife does not make it easy on me:
Beautiful and Understanding Wife Lisa: I can pick anywhere I want?
Tim: Sure babe! (scrolling through IMGUR, not really listening)
Beautiful and Understanding wife Lisa: Ooooh I want to go to Torches. I’ve heard amazing things.
Tim: … Whats a “torches?”
Beautiful and Understanding Wife Lisa: Oh you’ll like it. Here, I’ll pull up the menu so you can find someth… oh
Tim: What Oh? What does “Oh”mean????
Lisa: Um nothing. I’ll go make a reservation while you check that out.
Tim: (looks at menu) Awesome. Words I don’t understand describing foods I’ve never heard of.
I was a bit scared going to Torches to say the least, but I opened my big dumb mouth and now I was up for a new challenge. To start our meal, they brought us some bread with green goo. Lisa loved it. I couldn’t get past the look of it, from which I inferred it must be dangerous and just attempted to avoid eye contact. Upon seeing this, Lisa forced me to try to it and I must say I was surprised. No, I wasn’t surprised. Fearing the worst, I didn’t like it at all.
For an appetizer, I normally can get away with ordering a caesar salad. Torches offers a caesar salad, but it is covered in things that are not in my comfort zone. I couldn’t decide what to do and I didn’t want to look like a creeper weirdo sitting there while my wife ate her appetizer, so I ordered the lasagna cupcake. I am not a fan of lasagna, but I had to do something. It arrived and I tasted.
Tim Enjoys! If Jesus liked cupcakes, this is all he would eat. It was a dough cup, filled with ricotta cheese, a pepperoni base, covered in baked mozzarella and a sweet red sauce topped with a meat ball. It was the most delicious thing I have ever tasted. It should have been called a Pizza Cupcake. I seriously considered divorcing my wife and then marrying the cupcake. Awesome, awesome, awesome. Score one for Torches
For a main course, I tried to stay in my comfort zone. Usually, when I wear fancy pants, I can get a steak of some kind. Torches does offer steaks, but again with a flare of a bunch of things of which I am afraid. I went with the Tim Hortons Coffee crusted steak. It came with a fried mashed potato ball. I do not like coffee one bit, so I was quite concerned that steak might pull a “pizza” and stab me in the back (see date night part II blog for the betrayal of pizza.) Wrong again, Tim. I thought the cupcake was amazing and frankly, the steak blew it away. I have never been so afraid of a meal before and came away so thoroughly sated.
Now I know what you are thinking. You’re thinking, “Tim, none of these things sound all the challenging.” While this is not the first time I have enjoyed everything I have ordered in a restaurant, it is rare to come away from a meal so happy when I tried so many new things. Well, let me tell you about what Lisa ordered and forced me to try. Lisa ordered a pumpkin gnocchi in a maple sauce. I do not like pumpkin. I was tricked into liking mushroom gnocchi once before and all things maple belong at the breakfast table.
Lisa: You have to try this Tim. It is amazing.
Tim: No, I don’t.
Lisa: Food Virgin challenge!
Tim: Life is a food virgin challenge! Haven’t I suffered enough tonight?!
Lisa: You loved everything you ate tonight. Suck it up, weirdo, and try it.
Tim: … (grumble)
Lisa: Eat it. It is like a pumpkin had sex with a pancake.
So I ate it. Oh Torches, I shouldn’t have doubted thee. Pumpkin gnocchi is amazing. I forgot to take a picture so I had my team of scientists create a reenactment of when Pumpkin and Pancake met….