Cats are Evil

I am fairly confident my wife loves me. I am also fairly certain she does not want to kill me. She is also very supportive of my cause, and attempts to help me when she can, even if it is against my will or without my knowledge. Let me back up a bit. This year for Halloween, my group of friends dressed up as villains from Batman. I was the Riddler and my beautiful and supportive wife was Catwoman. Aren’t we gorgeous?

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In the movies, Catwoman is portrayed as a sneaky character with ninja-like skills. I learned this week how much my wife is like Catwoman in real life. As I have said before, my wife is an excellent cook. The only thing holding her back is me. Lisa tries very hard to expose me to healthier options. One time she made brownies with pumpkin puree instead of oil. They tasted fine, but once I knew pumpkin was in the brownies I could/would not eat them. I am a pain in the ass and I know it. Fast forward to this week. Lisa made chili on Monday. There is literally no better food in the world on a cold rainy day. Chili is one of the few foods that I love where I cannot identify the contents. Lisa decided to put this to the test this week. She put 8 different vegetables in the chili. Her trick? Dice them extremely small so I would not be able to detect the vegetable presence. A few of the vegetables she left big to confuse me. Celery, no problem. It barely has a taste. Carrots are essentially sponges that taste like whatever dish they occupy. The only other identified vegetables were beans and I really do not have a problem with beans because they do not taste like anything. The bits and pieces I was eating, I assumed were smaller pieces of the aforementioned identifiable vegetables. I ate the entire bowl, loving every bite of it.
Later that night, Lisa chose to let me in on the secret. I found out I had consumed celery, onion, carrots, red beans, green peppers, yellow peppers, tomatoes, and mushrooms!!!! I never would have guessed it; Lisa did an excellent job of keeping me ignorant. The funny thing is, I do not think I will have any issues eating more of the chili. It was delicious.

 

New Food Virgin Challenges!

I am looking for feedback Food Virgin fans.  Not that I am running out of ideas…. I’m not, I swear.  But i would like some ideas on some new challenges.  What should I eat, where should I eat, what should i draw with MS Paint?? I need ideas and challenges people.  I’m like Mike Rowe except I do not have my own TV show.  Here’s a picture of me manning the phones waiting for your ideas. I’m aware I do not have arms in the drawing…

 

 

 

 

Apparently I Don’t Like Stuff

I have just a couple quick hits from the Food Virgin. This week the wife and I went to Sean Patrick’s for dinner. The meal was great and they have amazing French onion soup. I love French onion soup. It only has like 3 ingredients, which is usually a quick way into my heart. Lisa ordered a Reuben sandwich and suggested (told me) I try the sandwich. I tried the sandwich and was asked what I thought it tasted like. I replied it tasted like black licorice. Lisa asked me if I have ever tasted black licorice before. I stand by my statement.
Also, I wanted to post that I did try something else while I was in Virginia. They put pickles on a hamburger I ordered and I did not think to check what was on the burger. I did consume some pickle and I found it cold and disgusting. So in a nutshell, pickles are gross.
This Friday I am going to a Halloween Ball that is open bar and all you can eat. I look forward to imbibing in adult beverages and then eating foods I would never touch in sobriety. Till next week for the results!

FV

Squash-tastic

Ah, the weekly torture session for the Food Virgin. Once again, I abuse my pallet with concoctions dreamed up by beautiful , caring, understanding, yet slightly sadistic wife, in an effort to become more adult-like in limited scenarios. To be honest, I am as immature as they come and I feel like putting on my big boy pants once a week to try some new foods is a step in the right direction. Declarations such as these are met by Lisa with an eye roll, a demure smile and a comment usually along the lines of, “the dog has a more sophisticated pallet than you, dear.” Not to be out done by the great Linkovich Chomofsky, or “Link” for short, I would argue I am not self-recycling like the dog and he will eat anything.

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This week’s challenge comes from a home cooked meal. I must say that Lisa is an excellent cook. I must also say that Lisa hates to cook. Her hatred stems from two points; 1.) She much prefers being waited on and 2.) Her husband is so picky that she essentially has to make two meals whenever she cooks or relegate what she cooks to a very limited series of options. I have been getting better and I try to not hold her back but Lisa could essentially be a vegetarian if I didn’t think vegetables were evil beings sent back in time to make me retch during meals…oh and kill John Connor. (Don’t worry if this one goes over your head. I’m a huge nerd.) So in attempt to be more adult I agree to Lisa requests. This week I have to try roasted acorn squash.

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I know what you are thinking. This is doomed for failure. I admit that I gave this no chance in hell of even being remotely edible. Cue the MSPaint drawing of a pumpkin stabbing me in the back, as I do love Halloween. Maybe next week I will post some pics of this year’s Halloween costume…  The acorn squash was expertly prepared by my loving wife with real butter, brown sugar and real maple syrup and roasted in the oven. I explained to her that I did not want to insult her by puking all over the dining room table and she explained that if I didn’t eat the GD squash she would stab me (Dramatization. May not have actually happened). Lisa also explained that the squash is closely related to a potato and I would marry a potato if it was legal. Thus, I tried the squash.

SQUASHTASTIC!

I admit it. I did enjoy it. It really tasted just like a potato, a sweet potato, but a potato none the less. I didn’t die. I didn’t puke. Most of all, Lisa didn’t stab me. I am going to chalk this up as a big ol’ Food Virgin win!

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Food Virgin Fun Facts

I wanted to post a little more about myself to help put why I am the way I am into context. If you knew my eating habits now and could go back in time 15 years and tell 15 year old Tim what he would be eating in the future, I imagine 15 year old Tim would call you a filthy liar and punch you right in the face! Okay, not really. I probably would have sulked, listened to Pearl Jam alone in my basement and played with my Legos. Regardless, as weird as I may appear to you now, I was exponentially more odd as a child. Here are some random, but I assure you are true, facts about my eating habits:

I tried pizza for the first time when I was 21.
I used to tell people I was allergic to tomatoes so they would not think it was weird I did not eat pizza. This “allergy” came in especially handy at the ubiquitous elementary school pizza party.
I didn’t eat chicken wings until I was 23.
I ate PB &J for lunch every day throughout my entire school career. No exceptions.
I loved French toast as a kid, but would not eat toast.
Fruit filling in cake is pure death to me.
I didn’t eat bacon until probably a year ago.
I didn’t try a vegetable until my twenties.
I loved cheese and would tolerate a plain hamburger, but wouldn’t touch a cheeseburger.
I love to eat dry cheerios. I’ll eat an entire bowl by the handful without so much as a drop of milk.
I have never eaten fish sticks.

So there you have it. I couple “interesting” facts about me. As I think of more embarrassing things, I will try to post them.

Food Virgin-ia

This weekend I had the pleasure of visiting my brother, Doug, who lives in Virginia. Obviously, the most important question on the table was:

Tim: So what do you think of the blog?
Doug: It’s good! Bridget (Doug’s wife) read it too. She said she didn’t know you were that messed up.
Tim: It can’t be that much of a surprise. It runs in the family. Mom won’t eat eggs and you won’t drink milk.
Doug: Touché.

My beautiful and understanding wife did not join me on this trip; she stayed home to watch teenage vampire fiction television. Without her constant prodding, I would not be trying any overly adventurous foods. I should also note the point of my visit. If you haven’t gathered from my earlier blogs, or this is your first visit to my site, I am not a big fan of food. Another item not very high on my list is babies. Not a fan. I’m sure your child is great, but it’s not for me at all. As it is my brotherly duty, and the human thing to do, I journeyed to Virginia to meet my new niece, Nora. She just turned one month old and is the first grandchild in the family. Doug and Bridget are extremely happy. My brother is quite hilarious though. After an entire day of watching him get puked and pooped on and having the baby scream or sleep off and on all day he said, “See it’s not that bad.” Good try Doug, but you will be the only one in our family adding to the namesake.

This may strike you as odd, but I do not really care for chicken wings. I know it is a crime against Buffalo to not like chicken wings, but I never really understood the appeal. I don’t like hot things and I am not crazy about messy things either. However, in an effort to appear normal I joined my brother in ordering some chicken wings at a bar called Legends. If I do eat wings, I usually go with barbeque. However, this was Virginia and I was letting my brother make the choices. We went with Zesty Barbeque and Buffalo Parmesan Garlic.
Result:
Flavorful ENJOYMENT!
I wasn’t overly concerned with the zesty barbeque. I know I can handle barbeque and “zesty” only seems like it could add to something. How could anything bad be referred to as “zesty?” The Buffalo parmesan garlic, however, was met with quite a bit of trepidation on my part. I just kept telling my brain that I have enjoyed all three flavors in the past and that all three combined they could only be better, like Voltron or Power Rangers! Well, it worked. The 7 beers I consumed prior to taste testing may have had something to do with it…

Bravo Win!

Just a short post. My beautiful and incredibly understanding wife, Lisa, likes to embarrass me whenever she can. She knows she is pretty and can get away with it, as we both know I “out kicked my coverage” with her. While at the bar at Bravo, I asked her to order me a drink while I used the facilities. I came back to a clear glass of liquid with a sprig of mint and a lime slice.
Tim: That’s a funny looking beer.
Lisa: Just try it.
Tim: Always the guinea pig, huh?
Lisa: You’ve liked way more of the things you’ve tried than you didn’t like. Just try it.

Oh my beautiful wife. How right you are. I tried the drink. It was delicious. She ordered me a mango mojito. Tim enjoys!

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Food Virgin Fail

I had an opportunity this weekend to experience a myriad of new flavors. My friend, Dan, had his 30th birthday party at Falafel Bar and they offered a smorgasbord of new foods to try. As my beautiful and understanding wife, Lisa, was off in New York City doing cultural things, no one was around to twist my arm into acting like an adult. I avoided all kinds of things I could not identify, but maybe you can. There was the sea weed-like paste (baba ghanoush) which I already discovered I am not opposed to, but of course, I did not try again. There were these little things that looked like crushed Oreos, rolled into a ball on top of whipped cream. It was explained to me that Falafel Bar doesn’t offer Oreo balls served with whipped cream and I would be incredibly disappointed if I tried said food with that in mind. They were indeed, falafel, the namesake of the restaurant. I also turned down hunks of meat from an unknown animal source. Oh epic Food Virgin fail, epic fail.

Happy Hour

This weekend, my wife and I joined another couple at a lovely place by the name of Gordon Biersch. I heart Gordon Biersch and their beautiful beers. Starving as I was, I ordered comfort food to be enjoyed. I ordered pulled pork sliders and garlic fries, both of which were extremely delicious. As we were dining with fans of my blog, I was encouraged to try intimidating food items, ones I would not normally touch with a ten foot pole. I am finding that the longer I write this blog and with more people actually reading my silly banter, the likelihood of me being talked into trying new foods increases exponentially. I was asked to try an appetizer ordered by the other couple, and my resolve weakened when I saw how excited my fans were to be a part of the Food Virgin  journey. Here goes:

Challenge 1: Crab Artichoke Dip

I know what you are all thinking. You are thinking that this is going to be a disaster and someone’s shoes are about to get puked on. I was ready to agree with you. Everything about this combination spells horror to me. On one hand you have artichokes. I do not even know what these are, but they sound like a vegetable and IT HAS THE WORD “CHOKE” in the name!!!! How is this not a giant red flag to everyone???? Secondly, this particular dish was made with sea creatures. As a general rule, I do not eat sea creatures; they swim in their own poo. I remain surprised that everyone does not have the same rule. Surrounded by peer/wife pressure, I tried to poo choke dip.

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TIM ENJOYS!

I did not see this coming. I assure you. I guess Sebastian and the other sea creatures and I might be shaking hands (or claws) again in the future. We’ll see…

Challenge Two: Mustard

I know condiments are probably second nature to most of you, but I do not eat them at all. Ketchup is essentially watered down tomato sugar paste and mayonnaise is whipped eggs and oil. Mayo is just liquefied cholesterol that you pump into your body. In my youth, I used to own a franchise restaurant and watching the land monsters inundate their otherwise healthy sandwiches in empty calories has turned me off to any and all condiments. I’m sure that most of you are normal and know how to enjoy things in moderation, but I don’t exactly have a lot of “grey” when it comes to my black and white viewpoint of food. My beautiful, understanding wife Lisa insisted I try a piece of soft pretzel, a normally Tim-friendly snack, with mustard.

Beautiful Understanding Wife Lisa: You have to try this. You haven’t done condiments yet.

Tim: I have to breathe. However, I’m pretty sure I do not need to try that devil paste.

Beautiful Understanding Wife Lisa: I won’t be around this weekend to force you to go outside your comfort zone, so you need to venture out with what we have.

Tim: Oh that’s right you’re going to New York City to go shopping and drink wine and appreciate art. Thank you for letting me stay home by the way. I sure dodged a bullet with that one.

Beautiful Understanding Wife Lisa: (death stare)

Tim: Okay, I’ll try the mustard….

Oh boy. Mustard is not for me. Gross Gross Gross Gross Gross! I tried two kinds: honey mustard and dijon mustard and they both tasted like paint thinner. Awful. Lisa laughed. I don’t always hate trying new things, but for now, condiments and I will remain enemies.

South of the Border Saturday

I was having an excellent little Saturday.  Lisa and I decided that we would have dinner at a little Mexican restaurant on Hertel called Gramma Mora’s. I am going to shock and amaze you right now. If you have been reading my blog you may recall a chart that my scientists made for me that draws the correlation between the amount of flavor in food and the amount I want to puke on shoes. Well if you notice the curve on the graph does not extend to the end of the graph. There is a disclaimer here. It is called the M point. The M point refers to the point at which Mexican food delineates off of the curve and creates this wonderful little Nirvana in which I seem to coexist peacefully with flavor.

That’s right. I love Mexican food. Love love love! So wherein lies the challenge? Well, the part where I do not get along with Mexican food has to do with heat. No me gusta comida caliente. So my Food Virgin challenge this week is to go outside of my comfort zone and try something spicy. The evening started out well with the chips and salsa. I do enjoy salsa as long as it is not inundated with cilantro. Cilantro is another devil weed where the tiniest bit goes a long way. I find that many restaurants use a handful so the salsa is essentially a pile of crappy tasting grass with some tomatoes in it. I ordered a platter with three different types of chicken enchiladas on it, ranchero, red chile and green chile accompanied by rice and refried beans. Normally I will only ever order the ranchero, which is a mild red sauce. This is in my wheelhouse. I tried it and as expected it was delicious. Next came the red chile sauce. I have tried this before and I did find it spicy, but quite enjoyable. A good amount of beans and rice were consumed to battle the heat.  Finally, I tried the green chile chicken enchilada. First bite is good. Tasty, cheesy, hot, but not crazy hot. Oh, but the back end kicked in. WOW HOT! I began two shovel rice and beans into my face like Kobiyashi with hot dogs. I did not expect that. It was as if the heat had ninja skills and it sneaked in and attacked me!

I would not be deterred though. I knew in my heart I loved Mexican food, so I strategized my next bite. I took a small part of each enchilada, topped with rice and beans and ate it together. AHHH blissful paradise! This was a delicious combination. I have to say I was quite scared of the heat but I found a way to really enjoy something I considered quite hot.  Now I want to add that Lisa is a connoisseur of hot things and even she thought the green chile sauce was hot.

Result:

Tim Enjoys!